O is for Orange

And Oral and Orgasm

I was in my late mid or early late thirties before I experienced an orgasm. It’s an odd confession to make, mainly because I am making confessions about my past life that I am not proud of.

Being anorgasmic is nothing to be embarrassed about. Why I was is a little more so.

I had a small number of sexual partners before I met my ex husband. None of them were memorable or note worthy. None of them put any effort into exploring the idea of me achieving an orgasm, none of them performed oral sex on me (but expected it to be done I them). My ex husband tried going down on me for a while but seriously he would have been as well sitting in the next room licking a lollipop! I stopped him trying after a while. It was wholly disappointing and made me feel incredibly self conscious.

I suggested getting a vibrator at one point. His response was along the lines of “No, if I can’t do it for you…”

With time I stopped him doing most things other than rough straight vanilla fucking because it was the only time I could feel anything. And then that stopped too. All without me getting anywhere near an orgasm.

In my mid 30’s I bought my first vibrator. The only problem then was that I never had a period of time long enough on my own to get a change to play with it 😦 At the same time I was involved in a conversation about the merits of the Wahl Massager which had been perverted as a vibrator for women who need the power that only a mains powered vib can provide. I investigated and discovered that it was only available for 110v & that wouldn’t work on this side of the Atlantic.

I finally got a chance to use my lonely vib (and a chance to have sex with men other than my ex husband) but I was still no closer to an orgasm. I thought I got there on my own & with a vanilla guy but looking back I think I was just having a good time. The vib just didn’t do ‘enough’ for me and as for oral, it continued to be the lollipop in the next room experience.

Earlier this year I found a UK retailer that carries an equivalent of the Wahl in 240v and I sprung the £40 they were asking for it.

Even with the power of that thing it still took 15 minutes but man alive, I got there. Getting there made me realise that what I thought was an orgasm before that was just enjoying myself.

My boy derives personal and sexual satisfaction from performing oral sex and initially I let him do it because he enjoyed it, gaining nothing from it myself.

If truth be told, at the start of my Dommely journey when I read about Dommes having their subs “go down on them as often as they wanted” I thought was “why would I bother?”

At the start of July I confessed that it did nothing for me. He was devastated. Suddenly fixing something that I could live the rest of my life without became important, because it was important to him. I set about problem solving. The fact that it took a mains powered vib to get me off and that oral felt like nothing sent me to Google looking for the answer.

In the middle of a student forum the answer sat, staring at me, inviting me to solve the problem that was only a problem by association. The next time he went down on me I grew a voice & said “you use your teeth” He looked up at me and said “What Miss?” I repeated myself and he obeyed. For the first time in, well, forever I could feel what was going on.

My boy was a little discombobulated by the idea of using teeth on me up close & personal. It went against everything he had ever read/heard/seen. But it worked and he did it. 30 years of experience was useless. He was sat at the bottom of the steep Miss learning curve. It took perseverance (and some climbing equipment) but he made it to the top.

It has taken a lot of personal work, both physical & intellectual, for me to reach a point where I am able to let myself go to enjoy oral and to reach orgasm both with my boy & alone. Hollywoods representation of the multi orgasmic woman doesn’t help women like me. If anything it makes us feel more broken. My boy & I are the only ones to help me. The only ones to learn that this is not broken, it’s just the way I am made.

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When there is love & kink

Sometimes the presence of love along side kink throws up emotional issues for Miss as well as the boy. I agree that link is not a substitute for therapy but the framework of a D/s relationship provides a base of honesty & communication that allows for present & past issue resolution.

I worry that he will think less of me when the past rears it’s ugly head. Most of the time I remember that this is not a ProDomme/customer situation, that I don’t have to know all the answers. This is a loving relationship in which I am the head of the house hold, in which my decision (once it is logical, rational & well thought out) is the end of the matter.

Some of the time though I see my own faults & failings and worry that he will see them, tally them, find them intolerable. I forget the 90% of things that make him breath takingly happy, content in the knowledge that I am his Miss & he is my boy & together we can deal with everything.

It’s time to forget the 10% and get on with being happy.

I forget

I hate that I do it but I am not always on the ball and being not always on the ball with a boy that can easily slip into bratty is not a good combination.

When I remember I overcompensate and to be honest I don’t like that. I don’t like fighting for lost ground, trying to make back what I feel I am missing, something that I let go. And yet I love the outcome. I love the him that he is when he is swimming in the pool of domination, when all he wants is to meet my expectations, to not disappoint me any further.

Why can I not have that reaction from him without having to go crazy ass Domme on him? I know it is not him, I know it is me that forgot and remembered too late. I know it is me trying to claw my way back up the pedestal.

One of these days I will break a nail doing this shit!

You are not him

I am guilty of comparing you to him. You always win because his bar is so low you can only be better than he is.

I am also guilty of treating you like him. That’s not fair. I assume the reactions I got from him, the lack of ‘giving a shit’ but you are not like that. I’m sorry that I do that. It is getting less frequent & I hope to stop it altogether because ultimately…

You are not him.

Dear Dommely Friends

If I have a problem in work with a colleague I look for advice outside the situation. If I have a problem with a friend or family member I look to my partner or a different friend or family member. All because sometimes I need the voice outside my head to talk to the voice inside my head so that I can come up with a solution, or a route to a solution.

What happens when I have a problem with my sub? I can’t talk to a colleague, my partner (the sub in question), my family or even my friends about what to do. How would I begin to explain the back story before I got to the issue? Then they don’t own the concepts of how we resolve conflict so it would be a pointless exercise.

So what do I do? Where do I go?

This week my boy has broken 6 of his 10 rules. All with a piss poor excuse and I am uninterested in excuses any way.

I am stuck between the idea that he broke the rules because he needs something from me and isn’t using his words and that he broke the rules because he is struggling with the changes that have been happening in our relationship lately. Of course he could have broken the rules because he is a lazy sub and doesn’t see that there are consequences for his actions. Right now in this moment I feel a little lost because I can’t think of a punishment that doesn’t also punish me.

I could make him sleep on the floor – but I like sleeping in the bed with him
I could deny him an orgasm – but that is one of the rules he broke and I enjoy that pleasure that is shared with him
I could tell him to not visit – but then I don’t get to see him, to be near him
I could take off his collar – but that is just plain cruel and to be honest over the top for the problem at hand

I could paddle his backside to the point of him not being able to sit down and while he is not a masochist he is a frubble so if the act makes me happy then he is happy but I don’t know that that is something I can or would do every time he breaks a rule. Why can’t he just get with the idea that the rules are the rules and they are not for breaking?

Back to “where do I go?”. The Interweb of course. I have a few “friends” online who are Dommes, none of whom live with their subs, all of whom are more geographically distant than I am from my boy, all of whom have a set of rules, all of whom struggle with the “what punishment doesn’t also punish me?” problem. It is time to ask my friends how they punish their boys.

If you have told me at the beginning that I would have friends who are Dommes, that I would look to them for Dommely advice or that I would be problem solving a grown man breaking his rules I would have laughed at you. I am not at the beginning now. Things have changed. Now I need to solve this problem.

I’m not a contortionist

In a fit of whatever I decided to go for a Hollywood in the shower.  I didn’t account for the fact that I am not a member of Cirque du Soleil.  That is not an easy process to undertake without that flexibility.
It was as successful as it is going to be! At least I don’t have a Hitler mustache

Getting started

When I decided to be his Mistress, to take him as my own, I didn’t do it from a position of love. I did not frame the basis of my control over him as love because I did not love him. I loved the idea of controlling him, of having him meet and exceed my demands but knew that he would do it out of his desire to have a dominant woman in his life, not out of desire for that woman.

I had expectations, which in the beginning I did not vocalise well or present in the best way but they were still there. He knew they were there but very quickly was having difficulty with idea of submitting to a woman that he is in love with, and loving the woman he is submissive to.

Now when I dominate him, when I make decisions for and about him I do it in the framework of love. I love him, I want him to be the best he can be, I want him to know the sense of fulfilment that comes with submitting to me.

He has lived longer than I have. I cannot use fuller or more complete when I compare his life to mine because I don’t believe either of them. He did more things, went more places, had a more active social life but none of them made him whole. I have done things he hasn’t done.

He desires the experiences I have had, continue to have. By submitting to my dominance, accepting his role in my life he is leaving his old life behind and getting to experience what he desires, what he has always desired. He is getting to have it all. Love & kink, at the same time, with the same person, in the same space.