You know I love you, don’t you? I can’t wait for the day when “what are we doing this weekend?” just means “what are we doing this weekend?” not “how much of this weekend will we spend together? How long do I have to wait to see you the next time?” I long for the day I see the band of metal on your finger as you move gracefully over the neck of your guitar.
I love listening to you telling me nice things. I love the moment of anticipation, wondering what you will tell me this time. I love when you talk of our future, the plans you have for it, the things we will do together.
Sometimes your words are not so nice.
I am struggling with the difference between accepting your apology & forgiving you. I am not sure if I have ever forgiven anyone anything. I never felt the need, perhaps because the apology never felt like it came from the best place. Too many times in the past, if someone said sorry for something I would reply “it’s ok” even if it wasn’t.
I have never accepted your apology if I am not done processing the hurt, and I kept processing the hurt until it stopped hurting.
Last night I stopped hurting quite quickly. Your apology felt genuine, your regret was audible in your words and your manner.
Saying ‘I forgive you’ feels naff. They are words that don’t come naturally to me. Words that feel like they don’t belong in my lexicon. Forgiveness, the concept, strikes me as more than is necessary for a minor transgression, for some words spoken out of turn.
You have asked, and on occasion begged, for forgiveness & I can understand that the idea is important to you. That you need or want to know that I have let the hurt go, not just that I got over it, that I won’t bring it up again.
I wonder if the act of punishing you is forgiveness or if the feeling that I get when I know it is time to put the crop or cane down & kiss you & hold you is the feeling of forgiveness.
I do not carry the hurt around with me. It is the first time in my life that I work out the problem until it is all worked out, until it is boiled down to one idea or one sentence. I cannot punish you for a shopping list of offences, I don’t work that way but punishing for one thing absolves you of that thing and for the event it was part of. I don’t carry around a shopping list of past offences.
I guess that means that I forgive you your transgressions and that you accept my forgiveness in accepting my punishment. My forgiveness is not conditional upon you not repeating the offence. I am not stupid. I know that no matter how hard you try, you are human and it may happen again. I also know that you are learning.
My boy, my love, my future, I love you, I accept your apology for your misspoken words last night & I forgive you for saying them. I am not angry with you, or sad because of them but that doesn’t mean I won’t put you over my knee and take the paddle to your ass when I get home!