When the definition is changed, so are the expectations

In my earlier post I talked about the fact that I now fantasise about being a dominant woman. Last week I realised something else very different. With all of my previous sexual partners I have asked them to speak, asked them to tell me what they wanted to do etc. They either didn’t say anything or came up with disappointing crap.

I have known for a long time that I am very aural when it comes to sex, I like to hear stuff. Porn never did anything for me but roleplay porn was borderline ok. When I played on my own, I dialogue everything and when I don’t do that nothing happens for me.

When we have sex my boy is submissive, when he is submissive like that he cannot speak. If I am lucky and I push it I can get a yes/no question answered but that takes away from my goal of hearing stuff.

Last week I told my boy what I planned to do to him. I talked and talked and talked and OH MY GOD! It didn’t matter that I was the one speaking, it didn’t matter that none of it came as a surprise because I knew what I was say but the whole thing came as a surprise. It had never occurred to me that I would get off on speaking my own fantasies while he is around.

It is no longer about providing enough distraction to turn off my brain and stop it wandering elsewhere. Now I engage my brain to stop it wandering off and I also get the aural bit too. That’s a win win.

All these years I have been looking for my sexual partners to speak up about what they wanted to happen when all I needed to do was open my own mouth. I think I would have freaked the others out though, if truth be told.

30 Days of Dominance – Day 7

Day 7 – Do you inflict discipline or punishment as part of your Dominance? Why or why not? How do you feel about discipline and punishment as tools used to invoke and maintain submission from your partner/s?

As I said yesterday, there is no routine domestic discipline in our relationship. I don’t think it invokes submission and it certainly doesn’t maintain it. I would be better off sticking my finger in his mouth to encourage submission. Just as dominance is *in* me, submission is *in* him.

I do punish him if he misbehaves – orgasm denial, withdrawal of privileges etc I don’t expect it to make him submissive, I just expect it to remind him of his place.

30 Days of Dominance – Day 6

Day 6 – What do you feel are the roots of your Dominance? Do you think it has something to do with childhood, upbringing or parental example? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?

I don’t think there are any roots of my dominance. It is the way that I am. I was raised by a strong woman but I think that only made me strong, not dominant. I believe it is not a nature vs nurture thing. I am the way that I am because I was made this way.

There is no domestic discipline in our relationship. I have spanked or paddled him on occasion after he disappointed me but I didn’t do it to teach him a lesson, more so to allow me to focus down to the root of the issue. It works for both of us.

Dominance does not manage our relationship, we do. Dominance is sexually thrilling but it is also personally satisfying.

30 Days of Dominance – Day 5

Day 5 – Have you been or are you in a Dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?

We have been a couple for 6 months. This is my first D/s relationship. Before him I was married to a man who wanted a dominant woman but it didn’t occur to him to submit to the dominance.

My relationship is unique because we are both completely invested in both maintaining the relationship and the kink. I know there are many other relationships out there doing the same but mine is unique because its about him & his Miss.

30 Days of Dominance – Day 4

Day 4 – Do you switch into a submissive role at any time? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you? If you are in a Domestic Discipline relationship, are there things that you do not maintain control over?
I am dominant.  It is in me.  It is what I am.  I am not playing a role.  There is not one ounce of submissiveness in me.  There is also no bottom in me.  The closest I get to “bottom” is my position in the missionary position and I am still dominant when I am there 😉

It is simply not what I am.  I gain no personal satisfaction from not being the one in control.  I gain nothing from not making the decisions (although occasionally I tell him to decide the finer details).

I have no desire to be bound.  No need to have impact toys used on me.  There is nothing in it for me to be teased.  I want what I want and I want it when I want it.

30 Days of Dominance – Day 3

Day 3 – How do you know you are a Dominant or have the potential to be Dominant? How do you feel when you express your Dominance?

I was offered everything my heart desired.  I was offered to have my every need catered for by a man and I thought “Yes!  That is what I want from a relationship!”

When I say “Do this because it is best for us/you” I know that I am taking care of all of us so I feel a strength & control that was not there before I was in a D/s relationship.

When I say “Do this because I told you to” I know that when it is done it is the ongoing affirmation of our agreed dynamic.

I like knowing that I have final say and the peace that comes from him knowing that my decisions are researched and informed and for the greater good of us all.

I feel whole in knowing that I do not have to fight just to be heard.

When you change the definition

Before kink most of my fantasies involved a power imbalance. The typical list of doctor/patient, professor/student scenarios in which I was always the dominant.

The significant thing to note is that before kink, before I knew about this corner of the world where being a dominant woman is not just accepted but embraced, I was always a man in my fantasies.

Pre kink I thought the only way to be the one with power in a sexual encounter was to be male. I struggled for a long time with the idea that I was fantasising about being a man. It didn’t occur to me that I was fantasising about being a dominant or the dominant partner.

I found my fantasies largely disappointing mainly because of the ongoing ‘what does it mean that I’m fantasising about being a man?’ and also because of the fact that I saw no way of enacting any of the fantasies because of the male thing but also because of the man I was sharing my life with at the time.

It took a long time being with my boy to process the fantasies, to realise that I was dominant in them not that I wanted to be a man in them. Once I made that switch in my brain my fantasies exploded in colour and beauty and delight.

They are now a shopping list of things to do with my boy and a practice stage for what I plan to do. In them I no longer have to be the man to be the dominant partner. I no longer feel like I am objectifying or taking advantage of the woman in the weaker role. Now I am a confident dominant woman expressing her love for a confident submissive man. What more could I ask for?

30 Days of Dominance – Day 2

Day 2 – Describe what you are looking for in a submissive and the techniques you might use to instill those characteristics in your submissive. Are you exclusively Dominant in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you Dominant only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you Dominant to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

I am not looking for a submissive.  I already have one.

If I were looking I would be looking for an intelligent man who could hold a conversation with me and wasn’t afraid to share his opinion and ultimately follow my decision.  I would expect obedience, courtesy and the willingness to be chaste.

I am dominant in everything we do. Sometimes I leave the decision making up to him but that only happens when I decide it should.

The force or degree of my dominance varies depending on the circumstances but I am always his Miss and he is always my boy.

We are in a committed, monogamous relationship. I have no desire or inclination to top or dominate another sub.

30 Days of Dominance – Day 1

I stole this from Femi over on Deviantly Romantic.

Day 1 – Does your Dominance – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your preferred Dominant style as Taken in Hand, Domestic Discipline, Top/bottom, Dominant/submissive, Master/slave, Owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?

I am my boys girlfriend, his Domme, his owner and hopefully some day his wife.

From that list I am his Dominant.  How I dominate him changes depending on the day, my mood and the circumstances.

He is my kink

I didn’t know kink before him. I lived the way I lived and it was both personally and sexually unsatisfied.

I was expected to be in charge and responsible for everything but without the benefits of having someone actually defer to me. It was a case of ‘I want you to make all the decisions but I reserve the right to ignore what you have done/contradict you at any time’ except with regards to sex. That was always on someone else’s terms and to be honest had little or nothing in it for me.

I knew things weren’t right but I didn’t know what was wrong. I didn’t know what was missing until he showed me. He showed me the joy of being dominant to someone who wants to be submissive. He told me he needs me to be dominant because he can’t be submissive to himself, similarly I can’t dominate myself. Together we work well, as long as both of us are not off form at the same time which doesn’t happen often.

When I think of kinky things I think of them in relation to him and how he is in my life. New toys are considered for how they can be used on/with him.

I desire no more than I have with him & when I do want more I want it with him.