Two sides of the same coin

There is two sides of our lives but sides doesn’t best describe how it is as sides implies you are looking at one, or the other. It is not like that and yet I cannot find a good analogy.

Much of the time we are an “ordinary” couple with a low level of service, nothing more than an attentive boyfriend shows to his new lover. He holds the door for me, runs my feet when I present them, makes me coffee when I ask, all the things I have come to think of as routine, ordinary, day to day. I know others would see them and think them special, and yet some would see them and think I have cast adrift my independence by not opening the door for myself, still have arms after all.

At the other extreme he is bound, tied at my direction or by my hand, often blindfolded, always at my mercy. He has nothing to do then other than be my boy. Seeing him stood waiting for me with ankle and wrist cuffs in place makes my heart quicken, catches my breath. I am filled with a rush of desire.

Most of the time we live in the pink mixed overlap of the white ordinary day to day life and the red heat of a scene. In that pink the act of opening the door for me never gets old for him & for me acts as a reminder to him of who I am & what place I have in this union. Often questions are posed in such a way as to necessitate that he call me Miss, again a reminder of who I am.

We live in a place where I think nothing of reaching for his crotch while he is making dinner just so that I can hear the protesting noises he makes & feel the rush of knowing he won’t stop me.

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I am needy

Like all of us I need different things from different people.  I need his submission, his love, his attention.  I need him to just do what I ask him to do.  I need him to not back chat, not sass me, not question why I want what I want.  I need all of those things on an ongoing basis.  I need his service, his touch, his kisses.

I also need an audience, a group of people to share this part of my life with but one step removed.  I need to express the whys and the wherefores of this part of me but cannot do it with mainstream society.  And so I blog.  But these days I am writing to myself.  I know people are reading because they are clicking like etc but there is no feedback (other than The Girl).  There is no conversation.

Please say hello.  I am not looking to dominate random internets, I just want to know that you are there, that you read what I write, that you like what I write.

As I said, I am needy.

When the definition is changed, so are the expectations

In my earlier post I talked about the fact that I now fantasise about being a dominant woman. Last week I realised something else very different. With all of my previous sexual partners I have asked them to speak, asked them to tell me what they wanted to do etc. They either didn’t say anything or came up with disappointing crap.

I have known for a long time that I am very aural when it comes to sex, I like to hear stuff. Porn never did anything for me but roleplay porn was borderline ok. When I played on my own, I dialogue everything and when I don’t do that nothing happens for me.

When we have sex my boy is submissive, when he is submissive like that he cannot speak. If I am lucky and I push it I can get a yes/no question answered but that takes away from my goal of hearing stuff.

Last week I told my boy what I planned to do to him. I talked and talked and talked and OH MY GOD! It didn’t matter that I was the one speaking, it didn’t matter that none of it came as a surprise because I knew what I was say but the whole thing came as a surprise. It had never occurred to me that I would get off on speaking my own fantasies while he is around.

It is no longer about providing enough distraction to turn off my brain and stop it wandering elsewhere. Now I engage my brain to stop it wandering off and I also get the aural bit too. That’s a win win.

All these years I have been looking for my sexual partners to speak up about what they wanted to happen when all I needed to do was open my own mouth. I think I would have freaked the others out though, if truth be told.

30 Days of Dominance – Day 3

Day 3 – How do you know you are a Dominant or have the potential to be Dominant? How do you feel when you express your Dominance?

I was offered everything my heart desired.  I was offered to have my every need catered for by a man and I thought “Yes!  That is what I want from a relationship!”

When I say “Do this because it is best for us/you” I know that I am taking care of all of us so I feel a strength & control that was not there before I was in a D/s relationship.

When I say “Do this because I told you to” I know that when it is done it is the ongoing affirmation of our agreed dynamic.

I like knowing that I have final say and the peace that comes from him knowing that my decisions are researched and informed and for the greater good of us all.

I feel whole in knowing that I do not have to fight just to be heard.

Nice things

I love you

I love kissing you

I love the soft skin under your eyes

I love when you touch me

I love the way you touch me

I love the look on your face when you feel submissive

I love having sex with you

I love how you squirm when you touch me

I love how you squirm when I touch you

I love you

 

O is for Orange

And Oral and Orgasm

I was in my late mid or early late thirties before I experienced an orgasm. It’s an odd confession to make, mainly because I am making confessions about my past life that I am not proud of.

Being anorgasmic is nothing to be embarrassed about. Why I was is a little more so.

I had a small number of sexual partners before I met my ex husband. None of them were memorable or note worthy. None of them put any effort into exploring the idea of me achieving an orgasm, none of them performed oral sex on me (but expected it to be done I them). My ex husband tried going down on me for a while but seriously he would have been as well sitting in the next room licking a lollipop! I stopped him trying after a while. It was wholly disappointing and made me feel incredibly self conscious.

I suggested getting a vibrator at one point. His response was along the lines of “No, if I can’t do it for you…”

With time I stopped him doing most things other than rough straight vanilla fucking because it was the only time I could feel anything. And then that stopped too. All without me getting anywhere near an orgasm.

In my mid 30’s I bought my first vibrator. The only problem then was that I never had a period of time long enough on my own to get a change to play with it 😦 At the same time I was involved in a conversation about the merits of the Wahl Massager which had been perverted as a vibrator for women who need the power that only a mains powered vib can provide. I investigated and discovered that it was only available for 110v & that wouldn’t work on this side of the Atlantic.

I finally got a chance to use my lonely vib (and a chance to have sex with men other than my ex husband) but I was still no closer to an orgasm. I thought I got there on my own & with a vanilla guy but looking back I think I was just having a good time. The vib just didn’t do ‘enough’ for me and as for oral, it continued to be the lollipop in the next room experience.

Earlier this year I found a UK retailer that carries an equivalent of the Wahl in 240v and I sprung the £40 they were asking for it.

Even with the power of that thing it still took 15 minutes but man alive, I got there. Getting there made me realise that what I thought was an orgasm before that was just enjoying myself.

My boy derives personal and sexual satisfaction from performing oral sex and initially I let him do it because he enjoyed it, gaining nothing from it myself.

If truth be told, at the start of my Dommely journey when I read about Dommes having their subs “go down on them as often as they wanted” I thought was “why would I bother?”

At the start of July I confessed that it did nothing for me. He was devastated. Suddenly fixing something that I could live the rest of my life without became important, because it was important to him. I set about problem solving. The fact that it took a mains powered vib to get me off and that oral felt like nothing sent me to Google looking for the answer.

In the middle of a student forum the answer sat, staring at me, inviting me to solve the problem that was only a problem by association. The next time he went down on me I grew a voice & said “you use your teeth” He looked up at me and said “What Miss?” I repeated myself and he obeyed. For the first time in, well, forever I could feel what was going on.

My boy was a little discombobulated by the idea of using teeth on me up close & personal. It went against everything he had ever read/heard/seen. But it worked and he did it. 30 years of experience was useless. He was sat at the bottom of the steep Miss learning curve. It took perseverance (and some climbing equipment) but he made it to the top.

It has taken a lot of personal work, both physical & intellectual, for me to reach a point where I am able to let myself go to enjoy oral and to reach orgasm both with my boy & alone. Hollywoods representation of the multi orgasmic woman doesn’t help women like me. If anything it makes us feel more broken. My boy & I are the only ones to help me. The only ones to learn that this is not broken, it’s just the way I am made.

You are not him

I am guilty of comparing you to him. You always win because his bar is so low you can only be better than he is.

I am also guilty of treating you like him. That’s not fair. I assume the reactions I got from him, the lack of ‘giving a shit’ but you are not like that. I’m sorry that I do that. It is getting less frequent & I hope to stop it altogether because ultimately…

You are not him.

I’m not a contortionist

In a fit of whatever I decided to go for a Hollywood in the shower.  I didn’t account for the fact that I am not a member of Cirque du Soleil.  That is not an easy process to undertake without that flexibility.
It was as successful as it is going to be! At least I don’t have a Hitler mustache

Getting started

When I decided to be his Mistress, to take him as my own, I didn’t do it from a position of love. I did not frame the basis of my control over him as love because I did not love him. I loved the idea of controlling him, of having him meet and exceed my demands but knew that he would do it out of his desire to have a dominant woman in his life, not out of desire for that woman.

I had expectations, which in the beginning I did not vocalise well or present in the best way but they were still there. He knew they were there but very quickly was having difficulty with idea of submitting to a woman that he is in love with, and loving the woman he is submissive to.

Now when I dominate him, when I make decisions for and about him I do it in the framework of love. I love him, I want him to be the best he can be, I want him to know the sense of fulfilment that comes with submitting to me.

He has lived longer than I have. I cannot use fuller or more complete when I compare his life to mine because I don’t believe either of them. He did more things, went more places, had a more active social life but none of them made him whole. I have done things he hasn’t done.

He desires the experiences I have had, continue to have. By submitting to my dominance, accepting his role in my life he is leaving his old life behind and getting to experience what he desires, what he has always desired. He is getting to have it all. Love & kink, at the same time, with the same person, in the same space.