When you change the definition

Before kink most of my fantasies involved a power imbalance. The typical list of doctor/patient, professor/student scenarios in which I was always the dominant.

The significant thing to note is that before kink, before I knew about this corner of the world where being a dominant woman is not just accepted but embraced, I was always a man in my fantasies.

Pre kink I thought the only way to be the one with power in a sexual encounter was to be male. I struggled for a long time with the idea that I was fantasising about being a man. It didn’t occur to me that I was fantasising about being a dominant or the dominant partner.

I found my fantasies largely disappointing mainly because of the ongoing ‘what does it mean that I’m fantasising about being a man?’ and also because of the fact that I saw no way of enacting any of the fantasies because of the male thing but also because of the man I was sharing my life with at the time.

It took a long time being with my boy to process the fantasies, to realise that I was dominant in them not that I wanted to be a man in them. Once I made that switch in my brain my fantasies exploded in colour and beauty and delight.

They are now a shopping list of things to do with my boy and a practice stage for what I plan to do. In them I no longer have to be the man to be the dominant partner. I no longer feel like I am objectifying or taking advantage of the woman in the weaker role. Now I am a confident dominant woman expressing her love for a confident submissive man. What more could I ask for?