I didn’t know kink before him. I lived the way I lived and it was both personally and sexually unsatisfied.
I was expected to be in charge and responsible for everything but without the benefits of having someone actually defer to me. It was a case of ‘I want you to make all the decisions but I reserve the right to ignore what you have done/contradict you at any time’ except with regards to sex. That was always on someone else’s terms and to be honest had little or nothing in it for me.
I knew things weren’t right but I didn’t know what was wrong. I didn’t know what was missing until he showed me. He showed me the joy of being dominant to someone who wants to be submissive. He told me he needs me to be dominant because he can’t be submissive to himself, similarly I can’t dominate myself. Together we work well, as long as both of us are not off form at the same time which doesn’t happen often.
When I think of kinky things I think of them in relation to him and how he is in my life. New toys are considered for how they can be used on/with him.
I desire no more than I have with him & when I do want more I want it with him.
that today I do not possess. I was going to blog this but as you said, my blog should not be a means of communication for us.
I felt more connected to you in the 1 minute FaceTime call last night than I have all week. I ache for the peace of having you near me. The ability to reach out and touch you, to see your face when you tell me that you want to spend the rest of your life with me. Words on a screen can only give me limited peace.
I long to touch your head while you seek comfort at my breast, to hold you in my arms and know that you are mine, that we will settle into a new groove that is good for both of us. I want you to touch me and tell me that you are not pulling away, that there is not something more interesting than me.
But patience I will have to find. Peace I will have to wait for.
Sometimes the presence of love along side kink throws up emotional issues for Miss as well as the boy. I agree that link is not a substitute for therapy but the framework of a D/s relationship provides a base of honesty & communication that allows for present & past issue resolution.
I worry that he will think less of me when the past rears it’s ugly head. Most of the time I remember that this is not a ProDomme/customer situation, that I don’t have to know all the answers. This is a loving relationship in which I am the head of the house hold, in which my decision (once it is logical, rational & well thought out) is the end of the matter.
Some of the time though I see my own faults & failings and worry that he will see them, tally them, find them intolerable. I forget the 90% of things that make him breath takingly happy, content in the knowledge that I am his Miss & he is my boy & together we can deal with everything.
It’s time to forget the 10% and get on with being happy.
When I decided to be his Mistress, to take him as my own, I didn’t do it from a position of love. I did not frame the basis of my control over him as love because I did not love him. I loved the idea of controlling him, of having him meet and exceed my demands but knew that he would do it out of his desire to have a dominant woman in his life, not out of desire for that woman.
I had expectations, which in the beginning I did not vocalise well or present in the best way but they were still there. He knew they were there but very quickly was having difficulty with idea of submitting to a woman that he is in love with, and loving the woman he is submissive to.
Now when I dominate him, when I make decisions for and about him I do it in the framework of love. I love him, I want him to be the best he can be, I want him to know the sense of fulfilment that comes with submitting to me.
He has lived longer than I have. I cannot use fuller or more complete when I compare his life to mine because I don’t believe either of them. He did more things, went more places, had a more active social life but none of them made him whole. I have done things he hasn’t done.
He desires the experiences I have had, continue to have. By submitting to my dominance, accepting his role in my life he is leaving his old life behind and getting to experience what he desires, what he has always desired. He is getting to have it all. Love & kink, at the same time, with the same person, in the same space.
He has some yard work to do this weekend, to clear some space so that we can entertain outside (not that we will be entertaining anyone outdoors in September but he is already looking forward to next year). He told me today that he needs a garden fork to do the work.
If I were a real Domme I would make him do it with a dinner fork!